Real Madrid coach Zinedine Zidane has retreated to a dark cave to commence black magic preparations ahead of Saturday’s Champions League final versus Liverpool.
While his players returned to Madrid after their final La Liga game of the season away at Villarreal, Zidane opted to slip away to an undisclosed subterranean location to prepare potions and cast spells ahead of the big clash.
The Frenchman is unwilling to stray from the approach that has already brought his team Champions League glory two seasons in a row — namely the use of witchcraft and wizardry in place of sound tactics and logical team selections.
With that in mind, Zidane is expected to delve into his casket of sinister spells for some old favourites, including a Brazilian Macumba ritual that turns Casemiro into Ronaldinho when shooting from distance, and an obscure Andalusian charm that causes Sergio Ramos to morph into a combination of Paolo Maldini and Franz Beckenbauer when playing in big games.
Sergio Ramos and Casemiro are two of the reported beneficiaries of Zidane’s black magic Gonzalo Arryo Moreno/Getty Images
However, Zidane is not merely focusing on strengthening his own charges, but is also loading up his armoury with ungodly devices designed to bewitch the opposition.
All too aware of the threat posed by Jurgen Klopp’s high-energy gegenpressing tactics, Zidane is perfecting a proprietary spell dubbed the “Gerrardian Hex” which, when directed at an adversary, causes them to slip at the most inopportune moment, opening up a portal of goal-scoring opportunity.
So painstaking are Zidane’s black magic preparations that not even Serbian referee Milorad Mazic will escape his evil eye.
The Real boss has reportedly been distilling a special elixir for Mazic, dubbed the “Dustbin Heart Brew,” which, when clandestinely mixed with referees’ Gatorade, causes them to award perfectly legitimate penalty kicks in the dying moments of games with zero regard for the occasion, the spectacle or the desire of neutrals, haters and losers.
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Zidane is deploying invisible henchmen to spike Milorad Mazic’s Gatorade with a Dustbin Heart Brew which will cause him to give perfectly fair and correct decisions in Real Madrid’s favour that cause haters and losers to lose their shit for no reason. Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images
Worryingly if you’re a Liverpool fan, these are believed to be just a few of the jinxes and incantations at Zidane’s disposal.
Managing Madrid requested an interview to find out about the other sorcerous salvos up Zidane’s sleeve, but was told that he is preoccupied with restoring his mana levels ahead of the trip to Kiev.
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